Bereavement Recovery I
by Maurice Turmel PhD

When the shock of a loved one's death starts to fade, bereavement enters the picture. That initial confusion is vacated as one comes to terms with the reality of the loss and experiences the emergence of associated feelings. Several approaches to bereavement recovery are readily available, with some generating better results than others. The best approaches to dealing with feelings and emotions are detailed here.

When first hearing about a death, we often put our hands up in disbelief and say something like: "This can't be true.  This can't be real.  This can't be happening to me." That first reaction is always about pushing the reality back.  We cannot accept this news in one bite.  We need time to absorb and digest  this tragic and bewildering event.

We question the circumstances, the details and the reality of the news as our mind spins about trying to deal with the emerging facts.  Our customary lifestyle doesnt lend itself to dealing with grief and loss on a daily basis, so our first reactions are shock, disbelief and confusion.

Having been unaffected by other's losses, we are literally thrown off track by the loss of our loved one. The reality of death, so often relegated to movies and other folks, has come home to us. What we once considered an alien experience has entered our life with power and intensity. Shock, confusion and dismay are common reactions. After which comes bereavement as we absorb this new reality.

Most of my grieving clients would initially show up in a state of confusion and dismay. They were often still in the stage of unreality, finding it hard to believe that the loss of a loved one has actually happened. They come to therapy because they are bewildered by all these emerging reactions. Their sense of unreality is often accompanied by anxiety, confusion and obsessive thoughts which they can't control. Some want to be fixed immediately. Like most people, they had little or no experience with this type of loss.

In dealing with these clients my first task was to ground them in the reality of their loss. Death had entered their life.  Someone important had passed away and they needed help to deal with that reality and its after effects. They were confused by their reactions and discovered immediately that their usual methods of coping with stress had little if any beneficial impact.

While the medical profession ruled in health recovery, classifying bereavement and grief as an illness was standard. Whatever symptoms or reactions one experienced they could be dealt with through medications. The public is more sophisticated than that today and grieving individuals are ready to acknowledge their need for counseling or therapy. Meds are of course helpful, but should never be the mainstay of a bereavement recovery strategy. Grieving individuals are ready to take responsibility for their mental health and are now prepared to seek out appropriate psychological supports.

Bereavement help comes in a variety of forms including medicine, psychiatry, psychology, grief support and grief and loss resources such as books and CDs. A well developed Grief Recovery Book can normalize many of the experiences you may be having, including that sense of despair that tends to come in waves and pushes you into depression.  Knowing that these experiences are temporary and do pass can help mitigate their effects.

Books and CDs that normalize the major effects of grief, loss and bereavement can be sufficient for your recovery when you have some experience dealing with feelings. These days audio narration carries an additional benefit in that you hear the therapist's voice and intonation which tells you immediately they understand your suffering. We all benefit from step by step instructions, but our heart, which is wounded, needs to be acknowledged and validated because our feelings exhibit the pain, not our mind. Adding poetry, narration and healing music to the mix helps soothe our wounded heart. Simply put, bereavement recovery is a feeling experience.

Maurice Turmel PhD is a 25 year veteran therapist who specialized in helping grieving individuals and families. Blending step by step instructions with poetry, storytelling, reflections and music he has created a uniquely effective <a href="http://www.howtocopewithgriefandloss.com">bereavement help</a> resource.